Here's a quick funny for ya:
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!
This week is pretty wonky for me, I've been bumped so this may change depending on when I get released from my position. I'm off today (Tuesday) and I am holding a class on Wednesday (7am-4pm), then Thursday I'm at work from 3pm-11pm and then Friday I hold another class from 7am-4pm. If I get released I'll be taking Saturday and Sunday off. YAY. Then I'd work Monday thru Wednesday and have Thursday and Friday off. Freaky ass railroad!
This afternoon, my good friend is taking me to lunch and tonight my folks are taking me out to dinner for my birthday. WOOT @ Free food! And DOUBLE WOOT @ birthday money. I'm broke as a joke right now.
So that's all my news. Let's just move on up to the rest.
No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong.
You're packing your bag for that magical desert island that happens to have electricity, a TV, and a DVD player—what five DVDs do you take with you?
1. Good form or style.
2. Something regarded as fashionably right.
3. High society.
From French, literally, good tone.
"It was bon ton to knock Netanyahu and very few top Likudniks resisted the temptation. Netanyahu's prime-ministerial stint (1996-1999) was doomed."
JD Robb: Promises in Death
Tonight is: Reaper. Last night was a huge TV night for me. The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, Rules of Engagement, Heroes, and The Closer. (Told ya'll I'm a TV junkie!) When I got home, I only had TBBT, HIMYM and Heroes though. All fantastic, but what happened to the rest of the shows? URGH @ the DVR!
A Woman's Last Word
Let's contend no more, Love,
Strive nor weep:
All be as before, Love,
What so wild as words are?
I and thou
In debate, as birds are,
Hawk on bough!
See the creature stalking
While we speak!
Hush and hide the talking,
Cheek on cheek!
What so false as truth is,
False to thee?
Where the serpent's tooth is
Shun the tree---
Where the apple reddens
Lest we lose our Edens,
Eve and I.
Be a god and hold me
With a charm!
Be a man and fold me
With thine arm!
Teach me, only teach, Love
As I ought
I will speak thy speech, Love,
Think thy thought---
Meet, if thou require it,
Laying flesh and spirit
In thy hands.
That shall be to-morrow
I must bury sorrow
Out of sight:
---Must a little weep, Love,
And so fall asleep, Love,
Loved by thee.
Grilled Salmon with Teriyaki Shiitake
5 tablespoons sake
2 1/2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 1/2 teaspoons light brown sugar
2 teaspoons Asian sesame oil
1 tablespoon canola oil
3/4 pound shiitake mushrooms, stemmed and caps thickly sliced
4 (6 ounce) fillets skinless salmon
1 tablespoon snipped chives
Preheat the broiler. In a small bowl, whisk the sake with the soy sauce, brown sugar and sesame oil. In a large nonstick, ovenproof skillet, heat 2 teaspoons of the canola oil. Add the shiitake and cook over high heat, stirring occasionally, until lightly browned in spots and tender, about 8 minutes. Add all but 1 tablespoon of the sake mixture and cook, stirring, until the skillet is dry and the mushrooms are glazed, about 2 minutes. Transfer the mushrooms to a plate.
Wipe out the skillet and heat the remaining 1 teaspoon of canola oil. Add the salmon fillets and cook over high heat, turning once, until lightly browned, about 4 minutes. Spoon off any fat in the skillet. Remove the skillet from the heat, add the reserved 1 tablespoon of the sake mixture and turn the fillets to coat.
Broil the salmon until the top is golden, lightly glazed and just cooked through, 1 1/2 to 2 minutes. Transfer the salmon to plates and top with the mushrooms. Sprinkle with the snipped chives and serve.
Yield: 4 servings